did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
