You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
