There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
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