I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize