I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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