You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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