decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
