so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
