Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
