Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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