I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
