I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
