Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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