it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
