Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
