i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Send help, water and tortillas.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
