I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
