Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
