could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
