Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
