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90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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