i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
