my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
