I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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