Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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