If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
