if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
