I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The uberlube is also flammable
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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