i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
