do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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