I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize