jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
