when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
