I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
organizing the empties. That sober.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
