Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
