I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize