I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
