before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
