If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
