i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
