he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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