Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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