I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
