Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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