it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
