You're completely useless in the revolution.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize