You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
