roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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