Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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