i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
