I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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