matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
