There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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