after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
