you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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