I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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