I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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