Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
God gave him joint rollers for hands
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize