If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
3 2 1 whiskey
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
