you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
