I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
