his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
