Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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