the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize