I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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