The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
