you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
