You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
