i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
